Have you ever dipped your toes in flowing lava? Have you ever fallen off a ladder into a pile of fire ants? Really hope not on both counts, but only then would you understand the excruciating pain we feel in relaying this news…

Pizza, beloved like a family member in these circles, has been called “a slow-growth market,” per Nation’s Restaurant News.

Say it ain’t so…

Alas, the world’s favorite saucy circles have come down from their pandemic-fueled bonanza period:

• Pizza sellers saw the slowest sales growth among all restaurant segments included in Technomic’s annual restaurant report.
• Last year, ‘za scored only a 3% gain, less than half the 7.1% industry average.

That sluggishness was reflected in the sales growth of America’s four biggest pizza chains — Domino’s, Pizza Hut, Little Caesars, and Papa Johns — which all landed in the low single digits last year.

• For Papa Johns and Pizza Hut, Q1 2024 didn’t move in a better direction, with 2% and 6% drops in same-store sales, respectively.
• It’s not all bad: Domino’s, ever upping its delivery game, has been the most impervious to these challenges (its same-store sales grew 5.6% in Q1).

OK, but pizza is still delicious, so… why the stagnancy?

The most simple explanation is that other restaurants caught up in convenience, loosening pizza’s once-total grip on food delivery and takeaway orders.

Drive-thru orders now constitute two-thirds of all fast-food purchases, per The New York Times, and that’s got leading chains moving faster, adding pickup lanes, and expanding digital ordering options. (Some can even get their Wendy’s fix via drone delivery.)

Pizza has always won by being fast and easy, but now they’re competing with the likes of Taco Bell on speed — the chain’s drive-thru service, America’s fastest, clocks an average of 278.84 seconds.

Our tip for the pizza biz: Just get TikTok all worked up about Biloxi, Mississippi’s pizza topping of choice — French dressing — and everyone under age 25 will be ordering Biloxi-style pies left and right.

• Elephants apparently have names — but no, not like "Dumbo" or "Babar." Instead, they identify one another using distinct low grumbles, according to a new study from the journal Nature Ecology & Evolution. Researchers used AI to decode 469 vocalizations from elephants in Kenya and found that individuals responded to specific calls, making them the first nonhuman animals observed to use name-calling like we do — i.e., by assigning abstract sounds to objects. As for the trumpet-y sounds they make? Those are likely just emotional outbursts.
• Some mushroom chocolates are sending people on a trip... to the hospital. The FDA and CDC have both issued warnings against eating Diamond Shruumz-branded products after its “microdosing” chocolate bars left multiple people hospitalized. At least 12 people across eight states have reported symptoms ranging from seizures and fainting to nausea and hypertension. Despite the branding, the company said its products contain nootropic mushrooms but no actual psychedelic substances.
• You know what’s worse than a long bathroom line? Having to explain what’s taking you so long. China’s Yungang Grottoes — a UNESCO World Heritage Site that saw a record 3m visitors in 2023 — recently installed timers on its bathroom stalls. Some netizens have questioned the new tech, like why the park didn’t just invest in adding more bathrooms, but the update reportedly isn’t meant to rush people. Instead, according to park staff, it’s to “[ensure] the well-being of all guests”: Apparently, someone being in a stall too long could indicate an emergency (though a bathroom emergency is probably not something you want strangers checking in on you about).
• To be better at their jobs, these developers will need to spice up their nonexistent love lives. Since its 2020 release, users of the RPG game “Troubleshooter: Abandoned Children” have expressed their desire for a dating feature, but the game’s developers have struggled to produce one. Why? According to one developer, the team’s members “have no experience with [dating], even in real life.” Welp — art really does imitate life.