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“The most important decision in your life is who you marry.” – Warren Buffett |
I am happy to report: I think, I’ve hit the jackpot. |
Ruth and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary today. 🥂 |
It’s been an incredible year. |
Not an easy one per se. Just like in anything in life, there are always challenging and rewarding moments happening concurrently. |
And I am grateful for all of it. |
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That being said, there's something that I haven't talked about much with you yet... |
It's the impact that your romantic relationship has on your personal and professional performance. |
It’s a recurring theme in my 1:1 coaching sessions, but today I'm bringing it to the public. |
How does a strong, supportive relationship improve your performance? |
It provides emotional stability. You feel more valued, confident, and decisive. Your partner understands and supports your goals. |
Conversely, a strained relationship leads to: |
Stress Decreased focus Lower productivity |
...harming your overall well-being and performance. |
That is why: |
Today I’m sharing my favourite habits and tips that have strengthened my marriage & many others. |
These aren’t necessarily new or original ideas but well-studied and proven strategies. |
Everyone should know them, yet I barely hear people discussing them in the high-performance space. |
Let's change that? |
Here we go. |
Read time: 5.9 minutes |
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Before we begin: Here’s what you might have missed in the past few weeks…
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In issue #49 of The Productivist, I shared a guide to developing a fitness mindset (not just physical). Check it out here. In issue #48, you were reminded of the top 3 lessons you learned in this newsletter in the past 6 months. Revisit them here. In issue #47, you discovered 5 powerful ways to get productively curious every day. Access it here. |
Which one was your favourite? Just hit reply and let me know! 🫶 |
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Big idea #1: Build your rhythm
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Scheduling date nights? |
Having a routine? |
It might not sound sexy, but without it, intimacy fades. |
Which routine is the most important to establish? |
The one where you talk to each other: |
Communication |
What makes it so vital is the fact that we constantly evolve. Our interests and priorities change. |
So if we don't stay curious about our partner, we risk losing them. |
Consider this common complaint: |
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To which I would say: |
Of course they are not! People change. |
Honestly, if someone has NOT changed in 12 years, that’s a bigger issue. |
That is why, communication is so important. |
Prioritize learning about each other continuously. |
Know their values & priorities. Celebrate their wins, however small. Ask about their new learnings and growth. Recognize what things make them happy or unhappy. |
And realize that this is not a one-time exercise. |
Make it a routine. |
Because none of those things are fixed. |
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What routines exactly could it be? |
Here’s what Ruth & I do to ensure we continue learning and appreciating each other: |
1. Life dinner (monthly)
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Once a month, usually on the last day of the month, we will have a dinner with an agenda. |
We'll talk about: |
Our individual highlights of the month Our individual goals for the next month Our couple’s highlights of the month Our feedback (appreciation + lessons learned) to each other Our couple’s plans and goals for the next month How can we better connect and support each other |
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2. T.E.A.M. check-in (daily)
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This one we do on as many days as possible. |
Usually during our evening walk. |
T.E.A.M. stands for: |
T - Touch (We hold hands during this conversation.) |
E - Education (We share one thing we learned today.) |
A - Appreciation (We share one thing we appreciated about each other today.) |
M - Metrics (We reflect on one metric, for example: how we think we did in our interactions today.) |
The last one needs more explanation: |
E.g.: Recently, I’ve been noticing this about myself → I could be less of a perspective checker and more of a supporter and cheerleader instead. (More on that difference next!) |
Having this Metrics check-in works because instead of aimlessly arguing in the moment (after all, one or both partners are not in their best state of mind, and that’s why the conflict or mistreatment occurs in the first place), you get to reflect on it during a dedicated time. |
It makes resolution and improvement more likely. |
Remember, what you don’t measure, you can’t improve. |
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Question to you: |
What routines do you currently have or wish to develop in your relationship? |
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Big idea #2: Pay attention to small things
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What leads to bitterness and lack of intimacy is not necessarily big affairs and fights. |
It’s the small things. |
Such as:
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That time they ignored you. That other time they criticized you. And when they didn’t appreciate your efforts.
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Full transparency: This is something I am actively working on myself. |
Being so well-trained on human psychology and habit development is a double-edged sword. Because it can easily become detrimental for my relationship if I don’t turn off that logical analytical part of my brain when it is NOT called for. |
Not to mention that I am a scorpio, this is a priority area for me to improve. |
So how am I breaking my bad habits? |
I use “If-then” frameworks, also knows as implementation intentions. |
It helps me turn my habitual reaction into an intentional response. |
Examples: |
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If I urge to criticize her approach, then I will find a way to compliment and cheer her on instead.
R: ** Leaving soap on the dishes after washing them. **
V: Baby, you haven’t washed off the soap…
V: Thank you so much for washing the dishes!
Lesson: Don’t expect perfection. Reward the attempt.
That is of course, if you like and want intimacy in your relationship. 🙃
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If I am about to perspective check her, then I will validate that she has all the reasons to feel the way she does instead.
R: ** Complaining about situation at work **
V: My love, all I hear here is that your team is so lucky to have you and you are doing so well.
1st lesson: Why is this a terrible way to respond? It invalidates her feelings, which can cause her to feel inadequate. Which will just add to bitterness she may develop towards me. She may even stop sharing with me, which will lead to even bigger disconnect and misunderstanding.
V: No way. This is so annoying. So what did you do?
2nd lesson: When in doubt, just ask them to tell you more.
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If I feel like offering a solution to her problems, then I will first ask whether she’s even looking for a solution.
R: ** Sharing about certain difficulty **
V: Ruthie, why don’t you just try…
V: My love, are you looking for a problem-solving discussion here or are we just sharing our feelings?
Lesson: More often than not, it is a “sharing feelings” kind of conversation, and you want to be emotionally attuned to it. Ask questions, listen actively, show empathy. Make sure to always ask for permission before offering your solutions to them. (This is great advice for most relationships, not just romantic).
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Small things ignored for being small will grow their roots and only become harder to resolve as time goes by.
Read that sentence again.
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Big idea #3: Don’t expect them to complete you
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This is where I would add a gif of Jerry Maguire saying “I love you.. You… complete me!” - if using gifs was my style. |
But neither gifs, nor “incomplete people” are my thing. 🤷♀️ |
So what’s the lesson for you here? |
I’ve got three: |
Don’t be needy. Don’t be demanding. Don’t be unappreciative. |
It’s natural for you to have your needs and wants, sure. |
It’s also amaaaaazing if your partner meets some of them. |
But: |
It should never be a condition you put on your love towards them. It should never be something you just expect them to do. It should never be left unappreciated. |
After all… |
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Here’s an example many people can relate to: |
House chores |
They are yours together. |
Yes, there may be seasons in life where one person agrees to take up more of it. Most of the time, actually. |
Where issues start to arise is when: |
The other partner takes it for granted. |
It’s when they expect it to be done. |
What they should expect instead is growing bitterness and resentment towards them. |
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Another example: |
Self-love |
Do not outsource it to your partner. |
Of course, it is one of the best aspects of a strong relationship - the love they share with you. |
But do you know whom they would love even more? |
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All of the things you become when you prioritize yourself. |
Don’t you agree? |
Side note: If you don’t agree, and if you think they would prefer you less confident, less healthy, and less joyful - you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands. |
And guess who has more capacity and desire to work on improving their romantic relationship? |
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So make self-love and self-care your priority going forward. |
That is why, the Productivist Challenge this week is what it is. 👇 |
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The Productivist Challenge: 7 days of self-care
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Many people think it’s selfish to dedicate time towards: |
self-care self-reflection personal growth |
I’d say, it is selfish NOT to do it. |
Why? |
Because if you are someone who always puts their own needs last, your emotional and spiritual exhaustion spills over onto those around you. |
You justify being short with people because you didn’t get enough sleep. Your constant overwhelmed makes it hard for you to be present for your loved ones. You chronic stress makes you unreliable and unpredictable. |
Dedicate at least 20 minutes every day this week to self-care: |
Do something for your mind. Do something for your body. Do something for your soul. |
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The Productivist Question |
Speaking of routines, whether you intentionally build them or not, you already have them. |
Reflect on your current routines and consider: |
Where will they take your romantic relationship if they stay the same for the next 10 years? |
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Thank you for reading all the way to the end! |
There’s so much more I want to share. (If only I had infinite space!) |
So, I’ll leave it up to you: |
Should there be a continuation of this topic? |
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Wish you a beautiful week ahead, |
Valeriya |
PS: Would you like to hear more tips on productive relationships? Let me know by hitting reply or DMing me on LinkedIn! |
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